Diana Eskander: “Choose Love Over Fear”
Diana Eskander (Facebook / Instagram) is an Expert Love Coach and Founder of School of Love. She's helped hundreds of women around the world meet their matches and access deeper layers of love in their existing relationships. She’s recently been named Top 2 Love Coach by Yahoo, selected as a TEDx speaker, featured on Global TV and is a contributor to Thrive, making her the reference for women who crave a different approach to love – one that gets them out of their heads, and into their hearts. We chatted with her about her work as a love coach and her favorite and least favorite advice!
Can you tell us a bit about your work as a love coach? How do you help people on their journeys to find and stay in love?
My mission is to harness the time and energy people (read: women!) use thinking, worrying, and stressing about relationships and dating and channel it to more useful ends.
I work mostly with women, both single and in relationships (I do also have a couples practice), helping them clear through the stories they hold onto so they can step into the vision of the relationship that they want, and choose love over fear, more often than not.
What inspires you every day in your coaching practice?
I’m so inspired by the changes I see in the people I work with, both big and small. Seeing a woman go from being anxious in attachment to feeling completely secure and embodying her worth, or meeting her match and feeling anchored and grounded and knowing how to move forward is so rewarding. I also find my groups incredibly inspiring — I love sitting with the women and connecting with them.
What's one of the most surprising realizations you've had through your coaching? (whether through healing, coaching, therapy...)
It seems obvious, but I’ve found that the more I embody my value and the worth of what I do and have to offer as a coach, the more my clients mirror it back — they believe in the process and get significantly better results!
The more I grow and do my own inner work around healing my inner child for example, the more powerfully I can facilitate this same healing for the humans I work with.
What conventional love advice do you fundamentally disagree with and why?
The advice “never go to bed angry” doesn’t resonate with me at all. The idea that you have to hash everything out in the moment doesn’t accommodate or respect differing attachment styles.
For those who aren’t familiar, attachment theory explains that the way you attach to others in your adult life is a reflection of how you attached to others as a child. Different schools of thought and psychologists use slightly different terms. The terms I use are anxious, avoidant, anxious avoidant and secure.
While those with anxious attachment want to hash things out then and there, people with avoidant attachment (who often partner up with those with anxious attachment) will be overwhelmed by the intensity of the conversation in the moment.
Beyond that, people often say things in a way they regret when they’re triggered and would say them differently, if given time to calm down and reflect.
Being someone who doesn’t think as clearly at night, I’ve personally set a boundary in my relationship: no intense conversations after 9pm!
What moment or piece of advice did you receive that changed your life and attitude towards love?
My mother once told me “set the precedent from the start – don’t start something in your relationship that you don’t want to maintain.” I apply this in so many ways. For example, when thinking about dating, you want to do so sustainably – what can you actually keep up with? While you may be excited at the beginning of a relationship and want to show off your best self, often we exaggerate things about ourselves and it’s not really authentic.
As a real-life anecdote: when I first started dating my partner, I invited him over for dinner one evening. When he offered to wash the dishes, I almost said, “No, don’t worry about it, I can deal with them later.” But I stopped myself because I knew that I saw a future with him and, in that future, I definitely would want him to do the dishes if I made dinner! And so, I let myself receive his offer and help.
What's one thing you wish all single people knew about relationships?
If you don’t live with gratitude for what you already have, you’ll end up taking your relationship for granted once you’re in one.
Be proactive about gratitude and try to shift your daily frame of reference. Do you think about what’s lacking, or what’s abundant? If the former, work to shift your frame of reference with a gratitude practice you actually resonate with – forget writing 5 things you’re grateful for everyday if it doesn’t change how you feel!
You could say what you’re grateful for out loud, or simply take a moment each day to feel grateful for even the smallest thing.
Try being grateful for the season you’re in by consciously looking for what’s fun about being single, while being excited for the partnership you’re calling in.
What would you say the biggest difference is between a good relationship and a bad relationship?
I would say the biggest difference between a good relationship and a “bad” relationship is whether each person is willing to take personal responsibility before pointing fingers.
The truth is, your partner could likely be doing more or doing better – the larger truth is, so could you.
If each person blames the other, you are less likely to hear each other and more likely to get defensive. This approach literally takes you away from love and connection. And we already know, we can’t change other people! We can however inspire them.
Your true power lies within you. Rather than jumping to blame, ask yourself, “what’s my part in this?” This is so much more conducive to growth and may inspire your partner to do the same.
What is the most common insight you share with couples in coaching sessions?
Further to the previous question, the most common insight I share is that relationships are like mirrors, and the change starts when we begin looking within ourselves. Yes, your partner can help with the changes you’re making, and the work happens on all levels – within yourself, within them, and within the partnership. That being said, if there are things you need to work on, and things they need to work on, your true power lies in focusing on your own growth – not theirs.
What is the most challenging part about coaching people about love?
The most challenging part about coaching people about love is moving beyond the myriad of limiting beliefs, and there are many, including ones like “I am not worthy,” “This is never going to happen for me,” “I’m not enough,” “I’m going to lose my independence.” For those who have anxious attachment, their limiting beliefs stem from fear of being abandoned; for those with avoidant attachment, they want to avoid disappointment altogether. And even once we’ve acknowledged the limiting beliefs we hold, there’s a whole process to moving it outside our system.
What do you wish more couples knew about?
Our inner child wounds come up in our relationships. Typically, when we’re triggered, we revert back to the behavior of our child selves. When we’re aware of this about ourselves and our partner, it allows us to be more compassionate as we can collectively work towards healing.
Anything else you’d share with people as they navigate their journey to find love?
As you meet and date people, your patterns and beliefs are bound to come to the surface. Notice how your thoughts and feelings impact your actions and how you show up in relationships (how you text, how often you message, how you show up on dates). As much as possible, try to refrain from acting from an anxious or fearful space. If you find yourself acting from such a space, put the activity aside until you find your center, then try to do it another way.